Spelunky - I swear, one more time, then that's it...

Get used to these words.

Some games are fun due to their complexity, some because they are so very simple.  However, there are a few that draw you in for entirely different reasons.  Games like Mario: Lost Levels, or Contra.  They are hard.  Insanely hard.  Yet you keep playing.  It's because every single time, you think you can do just a little better, get a little farther.  Like if you just make that one jump, or avoid that one attack, or MANAGE TO STAY ALIVE FOR TWO SECONDS AND SKJCKJSCN JLNDLC

...Sorry.

At one point, I just started dropping bombs on everyone because I hated the world and everything in it.

My random frothing rage aside, this is actually a VERY fun game.  A platformer in the old-school nintendo-hard tradition, the graphics are simple, but still engaging.  You play a Dr. Jones-like explorer, collecting loot, rescuing girls, and generally trying to get rich and no die screaming.  What's more, every level is randomly generated, with a few persistent special areas, so you're guaranteed a fresh experience every time.

This being said, understand that this is a UNFORGIVING game.  You can only get hit a few times before you lose a life.  The thing is, you only have one life.  Ever.  No 1ups, no invincibility.  One.  Life.  Only.  This is where the addiction comes in.  You'll go along, be doing somewhat well, then get smoked.  But you're sure, SURE you can do a little better now.  So you play again.  And again.  And again...

He suspected a trap of some kind, but hey...c'mon, golden skull.

There are a LOT of secret goodies, too.  Special items, bombs, guns, jetpacks, all kinds of things to help you try and dive deep in to the caves.  Plus, there's a very active and loyal fan base that churn out some of the neatest custom levels you've ever seen.  Plus, with the often short play time, it's great for sneaking in during a lunch break, or during waiting room limbo.  What's more, after dieing several thousand times, the feeling of accomplishment you get is difficult to digest.

I AM SO SMART!  I AM SO SMART!  S-M-R-T!  ...I MEAN S-M-A-R-T!

Jump to the official site and grab up a copy.  What's more, it's coming soon for the XBox arcade, for the console types.  Fire it up, and go back to a simpler time, when games were not, in any way, fair.

Was it necessary to throw me after I was impaled on the spines?

Noitu Love - Because twitchy beat-em-ups will always be cool. Always.

If this doesn't get you charged to beat up robots, I can't help you.

This is another game i knew by vague reputation well before I ever played it.  That being said, I really knew nothing about it.  It was mostly just a lot of people saying how neat or crummy it was, without actually talking about it at all.  I eventually got a copy of it, not really expecting much.  What I got was a old-school beat-em-up with a pace so fast you'll sit and drill through it in one sitting.

I have no idea why, but this gets me so fired up...

The basic story is pure, old-school Nintendo.  You start in the HQ of a world protection agency, which quickly comes under attack by the evil Professor Darnacus Damnation.  His horde of robots assaults the world, and it's up to you to stop them by beating the living hell out of them.  Sound like Mega Man?  It is, a bit, but it's also very much a game all its own.

Firstly, the games has a very, very quick pace.  Enemies come fast and thick, and even though they shatter with some ease once you get the hang of things, the reinforcements are always coming.  In addition, there are enough Nintendo-hard puzzles and secrets to keep you playing and bashing your keyboard after you failed that jump FOR THE SIXTH TIME AJAVHSVXHJAVXJ

..sorry.

Those damn vials...why can't I just skip them...why...

Plus, the graphics feel like old-school gameboy.  This might be a bad thing, but they are so smooth and well done, it takes you on a slide right back to the olden days, even if you didn't play back in the in the olden days.  The bosses are big, strange (the musical one had me giggling the whole time), and well drawn, every level has a distinct personality, and the fighting never seems to get repetitive, somehow.

Head over here and grab up a copy, and get out there to save humanity from insane grinning robots!  If that doesn't get you revved up to play, you need more help then i can give.

Let's DO THIS THING

Survival Crisis Z: Shoot, Survive, Shoot some more.

Keep away from my TV you freaks!

I am a huge zombie fan.  Voodoo, virus, radiation, fast, slow, I love them all.  That being said, there has been a deficit of really sweet zombie games.  Well, at least there was.  Things like Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, and (oddly) Stubbs the Zombie have shown people that the genre is still exceedingly cool.  While I still wait for a game where you can play as the zombie horde, these all are fine tide-overs until that wondrous day.

Now, with stuff like Left 4 Dead and such hitting the market with big worlds, tons of zombies, gore, and gorgeous visuals, what does a little indie game like this have to offer?  Simply put, it's wide open.  Beyond the basics of simple survival, any long-term goals are up to you.  Once you've gotten a few guns in your belt, and scrounged up enough food not to starve right away, the city is your undead oyster.

Doesn't look like much, but not pictured are the 40-50 random gun battles and zombie hordes between you and any vague objective.

The basic story is covered in the manual, and is more or less basic.  small outbreak, low-scale issues/rioting, large scale plague/rioting, apocalypse.  Now, the city is in ruins, with people trying to keep safehouses running for the few survivors.  What's more, a group of rebels and the remains of police and government have decided to start a war over the corpse of the city, with everyone and everything caught in the middle.

It's a bit like Grand Theft Auto, but with no cars.  You run around, scavenging through houses for guns, resources and supplies.  At any time, you may run in to a Alliance/Rebel patrol, or varying degrees of zombie hordes.  You may be walking about, peacefully, then upwards of eighty zombies and infected humans start literally exploding from nearby windows and doors, causing you to have to literally fight for you life in a rolling firefight.

Humm, a blood-soaked elevator in to the bowls of a zombie infested city?  What could go wrong, really?

You can run missions for the various factions, ranging from assassinations to basic fetch-and-carry stuff.  You'll slowly gain allies as you prove your ability to not die, and can even start taking control of safe houses and gaining a bounty on zombies.  You can also dip down in to the massive secret military base under the city and scrape up some heavy gauge weapons.  Or, for the truly ambitions, dive in to the sewers and basements, and fight of the horde and ghost-kids for secret items.

...this was not well thought out...

Overall, this is a fantastic way to waste a weekend, even if the first bit can be very, VERY frustrating until you get the hang of it.  Jump here to grab up your copy, and get blasting.  Oh, and try to be inside when the siren goes of.  Seriously.

The stuff that wrote this is way, way more unsettling.

Stranded II - A beach vacation it's not...

Blank slate or deathtrap?  Probably both...

First of all, let me say I love this type of game and really feel there need to be more of them.  You wash up on a deserted island and...that's it.  Don't die.  This seems like such a basic, stupid concept, and yet you'll be playing for hours and hours.  See, it starts off with basic survival.  Working out how to collect food, starting with berries and such, avoiding the wildlife, and just trying to keep the fire lit.

However, it slowly changes.  First you work out how to combine items to make tools, and suddenly you can build things.  A simple shelter at first, maybe a storage box...then you find out how to grow plants and keep up a little farm.  Eventually, you can build spears, bows, and big wooden palisade fortress wall.  Then it's time to have a little discussion with those damn lions...

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION, GET IN THE...OH CRAP.

The best part of this game is the sheer open-endedness of it.  You can build a raft, huts, hunting towers and all kinds of things.  Just hunting up item combinations can lead to hours of amusement (heh, you can make a joint...heh...).  Plus, as you work, plant and hunt, you start getting better and better skills.  You'll go from planting wheat to being able to grow entire trees from a single branch, and even get to where you can recycle your arrows.

This is a game that is easy to hate, especially if you expect to just take off with it right away.  It really takes time, figuring out water supplies, food, flint for fires, item collection, it all comes bit by bit.  Expect to spend a few nights out in the cold, open ground, and even the occasional death to exposure or critters.  Still, it's all worth it once you get up high enough and can start training monkey helpers.  Yes, you read that right.

Go forth, my chimp minions!

One of the major points of this is the editing/modding ability.  It comes with a basic island building editor, which can let you create some BIG islands.  What's more, this game is fully compatible with Gary's Mod, which allows for some serious changes and additions.  The mods run from silly to exceptionally impressive, with some of the "realism" mods being absolutely jaw-dropping.

Is...is that a bowgun?

However, I am honestly not big on the realism.  It's neat, yes, but this game and others like it appeal to me because it's easy to daydream, and imagine how cool it would be to just say screw it and go off somewhere and start over.  Gathering food, watching the stars, raising kiwi birds, and just living.  Stupid, yes, but what else are games for, if not some escapeism?

Jump here for a copy of the game, and here for a list of some of the bigger/more well known mods.  Remember, it takes a little time to get good at it, but if you stick with it, you'll be making farms, kiwi pens, and auto-turret defended fortresses in no time.  Just be careful, as this thing can swallow time like a black hole.

Be it ever so humble...

Indiana Jones Desktop Adventures - Da da dat DAAAA, Da da DAAAAA

How is it he doesn't have some kind of meme?  I mean honestly.

This was released back in 1996, as a new "desktop adventure" series.  The concept behind them was that they would be simple, fun adventure games that you could get through in the space of a lunch break or so.  Weighing in with about a half hour of playtime can be the kiss of death for a game, however with randomly generated levels, storyline, and basically everything else, it quite literally a new game every time.

Normally I'd give a little nutshell plot synopsis, but that's not really possible with this game.  You'll probably be finding something old and valuable, and might be fighting Nazis, tribesmen, irate locals or who knows what else.  What I can say is that you're going to be having a very fun, sometimes frustrating time.

But...but violence was working so well...

This game is just pure, stupid fun.  The graphics are simple, the puzzles not exactly mind bending, but it's not intended to be.  You sneak down temple chambers and forbidden caves, dodging traps and shooting/bull whipping your way past hordes of baddies, all for the amazing treasure.  You'll run missions and trade for keys and needed loot, and just generally wander around being Indiana Jones.

One of the big points for this is the length and the time frame.  There are games I like to play when I know I'm going to have a few hours to devote to it.  It's hard to play some games in fits and starts, but if you want something shorter, you're stuck with Bejeweled.  This bridges the gap, with lots of action and adventure, but without the full commitment of your average adventure game.  Perfect for sneaking in during a lunch break, or during a layover.

Random explosive-obsessed lunatic, or old magazines, which would you rather play with in the waiting room?

This game is small, fast, and and easy to pick up, like a hamster.  Unlike a hamster, it's filled with loot, Nazis, random worlds, and enough replayability to have you screwing with it for years.  Jump to here and pick up a copy, and get out there and find those idols!

This looks like one of those "life planning maps" I did in high school...

DooM 64 - Darker and edgier before it was cool

Naw, that's not foreboding at all...

Wait, what am I doing?  Didn't I just review DooM?  Isn't this just a port to a new system?  Well...yes and no.  Yes, DooM 64 is a port of DooM for the Nintendo 64, but it's also a separate game in its own right.  Also, technically, I'm not reviewing DooM 64, but a massive total conversion mod for DooM II called the Absolution mod, so really it's totally diffrent.

Wait...what?

START TALKING SENSE OR I'LL BITE YOU 'TILL YOU DIE OF IT.

Ok, someone decided that DooM 64 was amazing, and needed to be put on a computer.  Rather then just emulating it, they gutted a copy of DooM II and refitted it with all the DooM 64 art, sprites, and soundtrack.  What you have now is a copy of the game that is even bigger and cleaner then the original.  Gotta love geek dedication.

DooM 64 takes place between DooM II and III.  After butchering your way through the legions of hell twice, you are looking forward to some quality laying the hell down.  However, it turns out that not everything died.  One, ONE demon survived, heavily wounded, slowly mutating from the radiation and hellish energies left over from the invasion.  Its monstrous regenerative powers cause it to be even more powerful than before, and it starts to seep in to all the blasted, rotten corpses.  Soon the whole facility is swarming once again, and your reactivated, and sent out to do your duty for humanity.  Again.

That's it, this time I turn everything in to chili.

This should just be a set up for more DooM, but it's not.  It is dark, creepy, and atmospheric.  The music is mood setting, rather then midi rock and roll.  Levels are bigger, more complex, and in some cases deeply disturbing.  The enemies, while similar to your old favorites, are slightly different.  Many are bigger, stronger and faster, more damaging or with wholly different attacks.  This is not, at all, a tooth-cutting game.  Demons shoot fast and true, traps are unfair and merciless, and every level makes a godmode cheat that much more appealing.

I feel this game really bridges the gap between DooM II and III.  It sets up the darker, more unsettling side of the invasion, and shows off the "culture" of hell more.  Plus, the bump up in graphics makes a big difference.  What I find most amazing is the amount of boss-level challenges you face.  It's not uncommon to be fighting six spider-legged horrors with twin plasma cannons while also trying not to get fried by acid-chucking hell knights.  The towering, missile-toting horror of the Cyberdemon is also used without restraint, much to the pants-crapping horror of unwary players.

Uh...I...was just...I....aw crap.

I love this game, even though I didn't expect to.  The opening few levels are kinda dull, but once you start hitting the corrupted and hell levels, it really shines.  The gore is a lot higher, enemies are (slightly) smarter, and it's just generally a very tight, well-done game.  I remember playing this back on the N64 with my buddy, and having to cheat our butts off to really get anywhere.  To my credit, I got 9/10ths through before cheating this time...

Jump over here and grab a copy, and kill some demons and/or time.  For god's sake, there's a dual-bladed chainsaw, what more do you need, honestly?

BRWEEEEEEEEEEEEE  BREEEE BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...wait...what time was I supposed to be at work...

Yume Nikki - Because what could be creepy about a little girl and dreams?

This is as upbeat and un-creepy as it gets.  Just FYI.

This is another one of those games I knew by reputation before I ever played it.  The product of twisting a RPG maker system until it screams, this game plays like the sick, bastard offspring of Earthbound and the more screwed up parts of the Silent Hill series.  It takes place in the dreams of a young, isolated girl.  She will not leave her apartment, instead drifting in to dreams, and from there through a series of doors in to...well...it goes downhill fast.

Did I not just say things go downhill?

First, you should know that, beside the odd visual style, this game is VERY different.  There's no directly stated goal, no real "bad guys", none of a lot of things that make up modern games.  This all seems to help give you a oddly dislocated feeling.  It always feels like you're just one degree off from true, which leaves you always wondering when things are going to kind of snap back to normal.  Hint:  not happening.

The dreamlands are amazing.  Running from the hard-core creepy to the mearly odd, they all carry that odd dream-logic with them, where things that normally would set of alarm bells or be impossible are just accepted.  What makes this even more amazing is remembering that this is being done with SNES-era graphics.

Silent Hill?  Got your polygons right here, sucker.

What is also amazing is there always seems to be more.  No matter how much you look, there's always some little thing you missed.  What's more, over time the girl can collect talents and such that allow her to access new areas or even interact with some of the inhabitants.  (Note:  do NOT google "yume nikki", "fan art" and "knife" at the same time.)

You can leave the dreamland any time, with a simple pinch on the cheek, but just like real nightmares, this really isn't overly comforting.  You still feel compelled to keep going, to wander down that bloody road, to follow that sewer pipe, to explore that shattered slum.  You're dragged along the dream-road, trying to always latch on to some small scrap of something sane, and always missing it.

What is...what...I...what?

Yume Nikki is a WEIRD game, and really isn't for everyone.  However, if you like creepy/odd games at all, you'll love this.  If you happen to be a old-school game nut as well, then bonus points.  Hop over here to grab a copy of it and get some much-needed hints.  Play in the dark for maximum effect.

Sweet dreams.

Oh, yeah, this shit won't haunt me at all.