Alice: Madness Returns - The Brothers Grimm are running an asylum...

If you love the Alice in Wonderland disney movie, for god's sake stop reading now.

First of all, I'm doing this a bit out of sequence.  Madness Returns is actually a sequel to the old PC game Alice.  However, you don't really need to play one to know the other, so I don't think it'll be too great a issue.  That being said, Madness Returns is a shocking leap forward from the old Alice game, and walks the line between hideously creepy and keeping faithful to the actual book perfectly.

The story is a continuation from the first game, but once again, they recap things quickly in one of the most "what the HELL am i watching?!" opening cinematic that I've ever seen.  Alice's family is gone.  There was a fire that killed everyone but her, and even left her badly burned.  She spent ten years in an asylum, weaving between extreme rage and near-comatose lethargy, in the grips of a suicidal depression.  Wonderland has suffered as well, the lands and people growing...twisted.

That's the cheshire cat.

Madness Returns picks up after Alice has left the asylum.  She's staying at a youth home/orphanage/mental care facility headed by Dr. Bumby.  Her mind is still tattered and torn, and what's worse, something much more dangerous then the Red Queen has taken root in the broken relms of Wonderland.  She fights her way through doll-faced Ruins, gigantic bosses, and her own twisted memories to try and find the truth.  What happened that night of the fire?  Do her "caretakers" know more then they're letting on?  Did she set it herself?

In line with the story, the major "face cards" of the Wonderland mythos are all here, in creepy, twisted glory.  The Mad Hatter is back in fine form, along with his eternal cohorts March Hare and Doormouse.  I especially liked the Walrus and The Carpenter in this incarnation, the Carpenter spouting off pseudo-intellectual nonsense fits perfectly.  The Duchess, Red Queen, card guards, they're all here...just...perhaps not as you remember them.

Well...I mean, you killed most of them in the first game...what did you expect them to look like now?

The gameplay itself is glorious, if frustrating at times.  Your weapons are neat, ranging from the "Vorpal Sword" re-incarnated as a massive kitchen knife, a machine-gun pepper grinder, bone-shattering hobby horse, and a teapot that fires like a mortar filled with napalm.  Fights are typically bloody, short affairs at first, slashing through shambling hordes with your knife.  However, you'll start bumping in to foes needing more skill, which can be annoying at times, but add to the challange.

Some of the jumping puzzles can be hard, especially near the end, but it's noting that can't be surmounted with a bit of trial and error, and swearing.  Finding the scattered shards of Alice's memory can be a little trying as well, but it's always a bit rewarding to see what new funny, odd, or chilling memory bobs to the surface.  One of the fun bits is, when she gets to very low health, Alice can enter "hystera" mode, and...well, you'll see.

She seems...a little pissed.

This game is pure eye candy as well.  The worlds, both the real one and Wonderland, have a odd, unreal quality that fits the book amazingly well.  Alice's London isn't the cheery land of Mary Poppins, but the dirty back-alleys of Jack the Ripper.  Wonderland ranges from flowing rivers and toy-speckled gardens, to blasted wastelands, oily seas, and literally rotting castles.  Enemies squeal, gurgle and groan in ways most unsettling, and the music is haunting and often times creepy.  Especially the dollhouse...*burrrr*

Think it looks creepy?  You should hear it giggle when it stabs you.

Even better, this game also allows you to download the original Alice for relatively cheap, allowing you to wade through both nightmares at once.  Being that I generally like console games, having the option to play the original with a actual controller is great.  Also, you can collect additional outfits and other goodies for even more eye-candy goodness.  Overall, I'd highly advise you play this game...

...err...just maybe not when people are around...

"Hey son, I was wondeWHAT THE HELL IS THAT"

Earthbound - Who says a RPG has to be serious? Or sane?

Uhh...I don't know...did I?

Games seems to break in to two major camps.  One says "THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS" and attempts to provide a truly realistic and all-encompassing experience, With sweeping story lines and pulse-pounding action.  On the other side, you have games that are silly, odd, or just generally "lighter weight" then the first camp, and present weird stories, or sometimes no story at all.  They tend to dive straight to the action and sillyness, and leave the heavy stuff to others.

Earthbound takes both camps and makes them wear silly hats.

Whenever I try and explain Earthbound to people, I tell them this: "Ok, let's say like, tomorrow, you decide you're going to be in a RPG.  You use stuff like bats and toy guns, fight enemies like mice, ants and annoying people, walk around bothering townspeople, all that.  That's Earthbound.  Oh, and there's some magical psychic stuff, and a time traveling bee."

No, seriously, a time-traveling bee comes out of here.  He's also a super-hero.

Earthbound is also known as Mother 2, one of many victims of the re-naming craze that seemed to hit SNES games hard when the crossed the ocean from japan.  Whatever you call it, it is a amazing game, and has one of the most loyal, wide-spread and rabid cult followings I've ever seen.  It starts on a dark night, when a meteorite falls near your home.  You and some local kids go to investigate, and...well, you'll have to see for yourself.

Earthbound could very, VERY easily be a stupid, overly silly parody game, but it's not at all.  It pokes fun at everything, from video games, RPGs, pop culture, human nature, just about everything, but does so in a way that's never heavy-handed.  It's one of the few games I've found myself giggling while playing from some of the dialog alone.

The fact that you have to say that doesn't instill me with a lot of confidence.

Underneath the gags and oddball battles, there's a really good RPG framework.  Beware, it's hard starting out, and until you get the hang of things, you'll probably be running home to heal after every two or three fights, but once you get a little stronger, the pace picks up.  It's also shockingly unforgiving for such a bright and silly game, so be sure to save often.

The vague realism is, I think, one of the neatest bits.  You're armed with stuff like pins, bracelets, bats, yo-yos and frying pans, because YOU ARE KIDS.  Unlike most RPG games, shopkeepers are leery about selling tools of death to over-excited pre-teens.  You don't get gold after fights...your dad wires you money, which you pick up from a ATM.  It's not a lot, but just enough to keep you engaged...and make you look at that baseball bat in the garage with an appraising eye.

Yes, I'm probably going to get arrested.  However, it's worth it to hear the guys on the news try and explain the screaming guy who got arrested on the street whacking hipsters with a yo-yo.

Really, i can't recommend this game enough to you, even if you don't really like RPG games.  It's fun, challenging, weird, and just a joy to play overall.  It's back when you didn't need eighty-six class categories and a full crafting system to make a good RPG, just a cool story and some art guys you could lock in a room.

See the amazing number-named towns!

Hear the seziure-inducing sound effects!

Feel the rage as you die for the tenth time in a fight with sentient barf!

He still haunts my dreams.

Old-School Awards: Because games aren't addictive enough...

My new goal in life is to own this.

So, it seems the new craze with games is "Achievements".  For those who don't know, these are extra, optional goals that don't really have any effect on gameplay, but act as a trophy or medal, for managing some in-game action.  Some are just general, and somewhat "common", like hitting so many game hours, or beating a boss, but others...oooh boy.  Some are absolute NIGHTMARES to try and snag.

Now, initially I was very against these...it just seems slightly pointless.  However, like all optional objectives and collectibles, I was soon obsessed.  Some really stink, but some are very neat, looking like real medals or little icons from the game.  If I ran the zoo, I'd have some kind of 3D trophy room, somewhat like the figurine system in Super Smash Brothers, but that's neither here nor there...

Why am I going on about this?  Well...I felt that the new generation of games shouldn't be having all the fun.

These took longer to make then I care to admit...

I whipped up a few little awards for some classic games.  I'll admit, I don't have many of them, but it's very fun to try.  So, what else now?  Comment with some suggestions, or even just games you'd like some for, and I'll post what I generate as time goes on.  Now, I just have to get a button making kit...

Parodius - what the HELL am I playing?

What the...what?

This is not one game, but rather a whole series.  Luckily, they are all batshit insane, so I can handle them as one big confusing mass.  Another game that I new by vague reputation well before ever playing this.  I love scrolling shooters, and this game was reputed to be very "unique."

That's like saying The Hulk gets a little "cranky" at times.

What the hell, Japan.  What.  The.  Hell.

I'm sure there's a storyline, I don't know it.  In fact, it's almost more fun not knowing.  Choosing from a selection of ships (most of which are not actual aircraft...or sane) you blast out, flying through areas of space, claw machines, bedrooms, candy lands, and other areas of increasing oddness.  There also seems to be a odd obsession with Moi, Octopus, and scantily clad girls as bosses.

She jiggles when you shoot her.  I love video games.  So much.

Seriously, Google "weirdest video game bosses", Parodius will be in the top ten nearly every time, if not #1.  I can imagine some Japanese developer sitting down with a design team:
"Alright, what do you have?"
"Well, we've been working on designs for a new shooter, with a in-depth weapon and upgrade system, and big, complex worlds."
"Excellent!  Now, change all the ships and bosses to animals or girls in skimpy clothes, change the worlds to bathhouses and neon carnivals, and make one of the bosses a pirate ship with...oh...say...a cat head."
"Yes sir!"

When in doubt, make it both cute AND dangerous!

Amid all the crazy, there's actually a very solid game at the core.  The weapons are cool, odd, and actually take some thinking to use to best effect.  the levels are detailed, well paced, and will constantly keep you on your toes.  The fact that you're gunning down Moi in makeup and giant showgirls just makes it so you can laugh when you get smoked for the twentieth time.  What's more, every "ship" plays very different, allowing for a ton of replay.

No amount of screenshots will tell you how odd/awesome this game is.

If you can find this game, play it, be it on SNES, arcade, or any place else you can track it down.  It's well worth the effort, and how often do you get to say you fought off a giant pair of lips with a girl riding a SCUD missile?

I'll admit it, I'm in it for the bunny girls.

Metal Slug - The answer to violence is always more violence.

This is the cool, collected character.

I first played this back on the old Neo-Geo arcade machines.  They had 3-4 games on them.  I have no idea what they are, because I never played them.  In passing, I caught sight of a Rambo caricature blasting quasi-Nazis with a flame thrower before leaping in to a stub-nosed tank with more guns then armor and blowing away giant mutant crabs.  Sixty tokens later, I had a new love.

I AM THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS

Metal Slug is an amazing work of old-school shoot-em-ups.  The storyline, while neat, isn't really needed.  Basically, you're the last line of hope, have a ton of guns, a sweet prototype tank, and a ocean of enemy troops to carve through.  It's also a somewhat hard game, as one hit is screaming, bloody death.  And you will die.  A lot.  However, that's almost part of the fun...

This...might not go well...

One of the things I love the very most about this game is the detail.  There's a hand-drawn love here that is all but dead in modern games.  backgrounds are deep, detailed and organic, bosses crack, peel, and shatter in stages, ending in showers of slime or broken, twisted metal.  Enemy troops, while somewhat monotonous, have real personalities.  Oh, and the bosses.  Oh momma the bosses.  They're huge, strong, unfair, and savage as hell.

This is the least complicated/huge boss you'll see.

No, it's not a very deep game, and it will probably have you punching the controller now and then, but it's a amazing series, each installment has something fresh to it, and after you get the hang of things you'll feel rather hardcore...right until an alien shoots you.  Also, this is NOT a game that takes itself seriously.  At all.  One level will have waves of combat mechs...the next, squid aliens and abducting pigs.

Awww CRAP.

Both the Wii and PS2 have big multi-game collections spanning most of the series that are amazingly faithful to the originals.  Grab up one, and channel your work and life related rage constructively.

Take THAT, old person who pays with a check!

A unjoyful lull - Happyguy...has run out of happy.

Stripped a gear in there somewhere....

Sorry about the somewhat...sporadic updates lately.  Have had to do some adjusting, my wife has started school, kids heading back to school as well, getting ready for a new job...it's just been a tad...stressful.  That being said, I really want to get back to (hopefully) posting a game a day...or, failing that, every other day.

Granted, I'm pretty sure this is being read by about...four people, half of them my family, but I still feel a sense of obligation.  With that, I also have a question for my fan(s).

Would you like to see some console games as well?  Commercial games?  General posts about my life?  Actually start posting up some books and movies as well?  I think a little direction could go a long way, and I feel just a smidgen lost.  I like the freeware/indie game stuff mainly because I feel like reviewing a game you can't play is a tease.

Anyway, comment, say hi, weigh in...I'll try and get re-wound asap.

Spelunky - I swear, one more time, then that's it...

Get used to these words.

Some games are fun due to their complexity, some because they are so very simple.  However, there are a few that draw you in for entirely different reasons.  Games like Mario: Lost Levels, or Contra.  They are hard.  Insanely hard.  Yet you keep playing.  It's because every single time, you think you can do just a little better, get a little farther.  Like if you just make that one jump, or avoid that one attack, or MANAGE TO STAY ALIVE FOR TWO SECONDS AND SKJCKJSCN JLNDLC

...Sorry.

At one point, I just started dropping bombs on everyone because I hated the world and everything in it.

My random frothing rage aside, this is actually a VERY fun game.  A platformer in the old-school nintendo-hard tradition, the graphics are simple, but still engaging.  You play a Dr. Jones-like explorer, collecting loot, rescuing girls, and generally trying to get rich and no die screaming.  What's more, every level is randomly generated, with a few persistent special areas, so you're guaranteed a fresh experience every time.

This being said, understand that this is a UNFORGIVING game.  You can only get hit a few times before you lose a life.  The thing is, you only have one life.  Ever.  No 1ups, no invincibility.  One.  Life.  Only.  This is where the addiction comes in.  You'll go along, be doing somewhat well, then get smoked.  But you're sure, SURE you can do a little better now.  So you play again.  And again.  And again...

He suspected a trap of some kind, but hey...c'mon, golden skull.

There are a LOT of secret goodies, too.  Special items, bombs, guns, jetpacks, all kinds of things to help you try and dive deep in to the caves.  Plus, there's a very active and loyal fan base that churn out some of the neatest custom levels you've ever seen.  Plus, with the often short play time, it's great for sneaking in during a lunch break, or during waiting room limbo.  What's more, after dieing several thousand times, the feeling of accomplishment you get is difficult to digest.

I AM SO SMART!  I AM SO SMART!  S-M-R-T!  ...I MEAN S-M-A-R-T!

Jump to the official site and grab up a copy.  What's more, it's coming soon for the XBox arcade, for the console types.  Fire it up, and go back to a simpler time, when games were not, in any way, fair.

Was it necessary to throw me after I was impaled on the spines?

Noitu Love - Because twitchy beat-em-ups will always be cool. Always.

If this doesn't get you charged to beat up robots, I can't help you.

This is another game i knew by vague reputation well before I ever played it.  That being said, I really knew nothing about it.  It was mostly just a lot of people saying how neat or crummy it was, without actually talking about it at all.  I eventually got a copy of it, not really expecting much.  What I got was a old-school beat-em-up with a pace so fast you'll sit and drill through it in one sitting.

I have no idea why, but this gets me so fired up...

The basic story is pure, old-school Nintendo.  You start in the HQ of a world protection agency, which quickly comes under attack by the evil Professor Darnacus Damnation.  His horde of robots assaults the world, and it's up to you to stop them by beating the living hell out of them.  Sound like Mega Man?  It is, a bit, but it's also very much a game all its own.

Firstly, the games has a very, very quick pace.  Enemies come fast and thick, and even though they shatter with some ease once you get the hang of things, the reinforcements are always coming.  In addition, there are enough Nintendo-hard puzzles and secrets to keep you playing and bashing your keyboard after you failed that jump FOR THE SIXTH TIME AJAVHSVXHJAVXJ

..sorry.

Those damn vials...why can't I just skip them...why...

Plus, the graphics feel like old-school gameboy.  This might be a bad thing, but they are so smooth and well done, it takes you on a slide right back to the olden days, even if you didn't play back in the in the olden days.  The bosses are big, strange (the musical one had me giggling the whole time), and well drawn, every level has a distinct personality, and the fighting never seems to get repetitive, somehow.

Head over here and grab up a copy, and get out there to save humanity from insane grinning robots!  If that doesn't get you revved up to play, you need more help then i can give.

Let's DO THIS THING

Survival Crisis Z: Shoot, Survive, Shoot some more.

Keep away from my TV you freaks!

I am a huge zombie fan.  Voodoo, virus, radiation, fast, slow, I love them all.  That being said, there has been a deficit of really sweet zombie games.  Well, at least there was.  Things like Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, and (oddly) Stubbs the Zombie have shown people that the genre is still exceedingly cool.  While I still wait for a game where you can play as the zombie horde, these all are fine tide-overs until that wondrous day.

Now, with stuff like Left 4 Dead and such hitting the market with big worlds, tons of zombies, gore, and gorgeous visuals, what does a little indie game like this have to offer?  Simply put, it's wide open.  Beyond the basics of simple survival, any long-term goals are up to you.  Once you've gotten a few guns in your belt, and scrounged up enough food not to starve right away, the city is your undead oyster.

Doesn't look like much, but not pictured are the 40-50 random gun battles and zombie hordes between you and any vague objective.

The basic story is covered in the manual, and is more or less basic.  small outbreak, low-scale issues/rioting, large scale plague/rioting, apocalypse.  Now, the city is in ruins, with people trying to keep safehouses running for the few survivors.  What's more, a group of rebels and the remains of police and government have decided to start a war over the corpse of the city, with everyone and everything caught in the middle.

It's a bit like Grand Theft Auto, but with no cars.  You run around, scavenging through houses for guns, resources and supplies.  At any time, you may run in to a Alliance/Rebel patrol, or varying degrees of zombie hordes.  You may be walking about, peacefully, then upwards of eighty zombies and infected humans start literally exploding from nearby windows and doors, causing you to have to literally fight for you life in a rolling firefight.

Humm, a blood-soaked elevator in to the bowls of a zombie infested city?  What could go wrong, really?

You can run missions for the various factions, ranging from assassinations to basic fetch-and-carry stuff.  You'll slowly gain allies as you prove your ability to not die, and can even start taking control of safe houses and gaining a bounty on zombies.  You can also dip down in to the massive secret military base under the city and scrape up some heavy gauge weapons.  Or, for the truly ambitions, dive in to the sewers and basements, and fight of the horde and ghost-kids for secret items.

...this was not well thought out...

Overall, this is a fantastic way to waste a weekend, even if the first bit can be very, VERY frustrating until you get the hang of it.  Jump here to grab up your copy, and get blasting.  Oh, and try to be inside when the siren goes of.  Seriously.

The stuff that wrote this is way, way more unsettling.

Stranded II - A beach vacation it's not...

Blank slate or deathtrap?  Probably both...

First of all, let me say I love this type of game and really feel there need to be more of them.  You wash up on a deserted island and...that's it.  Don't die.  This seems like such a basic, stupid concept, and yet you'll be playing for hours and hours.  See, it starts off with basic survival.  Working out how to collect food, starting with berries and such, avoiding the wildlife, and just trying to keep the fire lit.

However, it slowly changes.  First you work out how to combine items to make tools, and suddenly you can build things.  A simple shelter at first, maybe a storage box...then you find out how to grow plants and keep up a little farm.  Eventually, you can build spears, bows, and big wooden palisade fortress wall.  Then it's time to have a little discussion with those damn lions...

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION, GET IN THE...OH CRAP.

The best part of this game is the sheer open-endedness of it.  You can build a raft, huts, hunting towers and all kinds of things.  Just hunting up item combinations can lead to hours of amusement (heh, you can make a joint...heh...).  Plus, as you work, plant and hunt, you start getting better and better skills.  You'll go from planting wheat to being able to grow entire trees from a single branch, and even get to where you can recycle your arrows.

This is a game that is easy to hate, especially if you expect to just take off with it right away.  It really takes time, figuring out water supplies, food, flint for fires, item collection, it all comes bit by bit.  Expect to spend a few nights out in the cold, open ground, and even the occasional death to exposure or critters.  Still, it's all worth it once you get up high enough and can start training monkey helpers.  Yes, you read that right.

Go forth, my chimp minions!

One of the major points of this is the editing/modding ability.  It comes with a basic island building editor, which can let you create some BIG islands.  What's more, this game is fully compatible with Gary's Mod, which allows for some serious changes and additions.  The mods run from silly to exceptionally impressive, with some of the "realism" mods being absolutely jaw-dropping.

Is...is that a bowgun?

However, I am honestly not big on the realism.  It's neat, yes, but this game and others like it appeal to me because it's easy to daydream, and imagine how cool it would be to just say screw it and go off somewhere and start over.  Gathering food, watching the stars, raising kiwi birds, and just living.  Stupid, yes, but what else are games for, if not some escapeism?

Jump here for a copy of the game, and here for a list of some of the bigger/more well known mods.  Remember, it takes a little time to get good at it, but if you stick with it, you'll be making farms, kiwi pens, and auto-turret defended fortresses in no time.  Just be careful, as this thing can swallow time like a black hole.

Be it ever so humble...

Indiana Jones Desktop Adventures - Da da dat DAAAA, Da da DAAAAA

How is it he doesn't have some kind of meme?  I mean honestly.

This was released back in 1996, as a new "desktop adventure" series.  The concept behind them was that they would be simple, fun adventure games that you could get through in the space of a lunch break or so.  Weighing in with about a half hour of playtime can be the kiss of death for a game, however with randomly generated levels, storyline, and basically everything else, it quite literally a new game every time.

Normally I'd give a little nutshell plot synopsis, but that's not really possible with this game.  You'll probably be finding something old and valuable, and might be fighting Nazis, tribesmen, irate locals or who knows what else.  What I can say is that you're going to be having a very fun, sometimes frustrating time.

But...but violence was working so well...

This game is just pure, stupid fun.  The graphics are simple, the puzzles not exactly mind bending, but it's not intended to be.  You sneak down temple chambers and forbidden caves, dodging traps and shooting/bull whipping your way past hordes of baddies, all for the amazing treasure.  You'll run missions and trade for keys and needed loot, and just generally wander around being Indiana Jones.

One of the big points for this is the length and the time frame.  There are games I like to play when I know I'm going to have a few hours to devote to it.  It's hard to play some games in fits and starts, but if you want something shorter, you're stuck with Bejeweled.  This bridges the gap, with lots of action and adventure, but without the full commitment of your average adventure game.  Perfect for sneaking in during a lunch break, or during a layover.

Random explosive-obsessed lunatic, or old magazines, which would you rather play with in the waiting room?

This game is small, fast, and and easy to pick up, like a hamster.  Unlike a hamster, it's filled with loot, Nazis, random worlds, and enough replayability to have you screwing with it for years.  Jump to here and pick up a copy, and get out there and find those idols!

This looks like one of those "life planning maps" I did in high school...

DooM 64 - Darker and edgier before it was cool

Naw, that's not foreboding at all...

Wait, what am I doing?  Didn't I just review DooM?  Isn't this just a port to a new system?  Well...yes and no.  Yes, DooM 64 is a port of DooM for the Nintendo 64, but it's also a separate game in its own right.  Also, technically, I'm not reviewing DooM 64, but a massive total conversion mod for DooM II called the Absolution mod, so really it's totally diffrent.

Wait...what?

START TALKING SENSE OR I'LL BITE YOU 'TILL YOU DIE OF IT.

Ok, someone decided that DooM 64 was amazing, and needed to be put on a computer.  Rather then just emulating it, they gutted a copy of DooM II and refitted it with all the DooM 64 art, sprites, and soundtrack.  What you have now is a copy of the game that is even bigger and cleaner then the original.  Gotta love geek dedication.

DooM 64 takes place between DooM II and III.  After butchering your way through the legions of hell twice, you are looking forward to some quality laying the hell down.  However, it turns out that not everything died.  One, ONE demon survived, heavily wounded, slowly mutating from the radiation and hellish energies left over from the invasion.  Its monstrous regenerative powers cause it to be even more powerful than before, and it starts to seep in to all the blasted, rotten corpses.  Soon the whole facility is swarming once again, and your reactivated, and sent out to do your duty for humanity.  Again.

That's it, this time I turn everything in to chili.

This should just be a set up for more DooM, but it's not.  It is dark, creepy, and atmospheric.  The music is mood setting, rather then midi rock and roll.  Levels are bigger, more complex, and in some cases deeply disturbing.  The enemies, while similar to your old favorites, are slightly different.  Many are bigger, stronger and faster, more damaging or with wholly different attacks.  This is not, at all, a tooth-cutting game.  Demons shoot fast and true, traps are unfair and merciless, and every level makes a godmode cheat that much more appealing.

I feel this game really bridges the gap between DooM II and III.  It sets up the darker, more unsettling side of the invasion, and shows off the "culture" of hell more.  Plus, the bump up in graphics makes a big difference.  What I find most amazing is the amount of boss-level challenges you face.  It's not uncommon to be fighting six spider-legged horrors with twin plasma cannons while also trying not to get fried by acid-chucking hell knights.  The towering, missile-toting horror of the Cyberdemon is also used without restraint, much to the pants-crapping horror of unwary players.

Uh...I...was just...I....aw crap.

I love this game, even though I didn't expect to.  The opening few levels are kinda dull, but once you start hitting the corrupted and hell levels, it really shines.  The gore is a lot higher, enemies are (slightly) smarter, and it's just generally a very tight, well-done game.  I remember playing this back on the N64 with my buddy, and having to cheat our butts off to really get anywhere.  To my credit, I got 9/10ths through before cheating this time...

Jump over here and grab a copy, and kill some demons and/or time.  For god's sake, there's a dual-bladed chainsaw, what more do you need, honestly?

BRWEEEEEEEEEEEEE  BREEEE BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...wait...what time was I supposed to be at work...