Old-School Awards: Because games aren't addictive enough...

My new goal in life is to own this.

So, it seems the new craze with games is "Achievements".  For those who don't know, these are extra, optional goals that don't really have any effect on gameplay, but act as a trophy or medal, for managing some in-game action.  Some are just general, and somewhat "common", like hitting so many game hours, or beating a boss, but others...oooh boy.  Some are absolute NIGHTMARES to try and snag.

Now, initially I was very against these...it just seems slightly pointless.  However, like all optional objectives and collectibles, I was soon obsessed.  Some really stink, but some are very neat, looking like real medals or little icons from the game.  If I ran the zoo, I'd have some kind of 3D trophy room, somewhat like the figurine system in Super Smash Brothers, but that's neither here nor there...

Why am I going on about this?  Well...I felt that the new generation of games shouldn't be having all the fun.

These took longer to make then I care to admit...

I whipped up a few little awards for some classic games.  I'll admit, I don't have many of them, but it's very fun to try.  So, what else now?  Comment with some suggestions, or even just games you'd like some for, and I'll post what I generate as time goes on.  Now, I just have to get a button making kit...

Parodius - what the HELL am I playing?

What the...what?

This is not one game, but rather a whole series.  Luckily, they are all batshit insane, so I can handle them as one big confusing mass.  Another game that I new by vague reputation well before ever playing this.  I love scrolling shooters, and this game was reputed to be very "unique."

That's like saying The Hulk gets a little "cranky" at times.

What the hell, Japan.  What.  The.  Hell.

I'm sure there's a storyline, I don't know it.  In fact, it's almost more fun not knowing.  Choosing from a selection of ships (most of which are not actual aircraft...or sane) you blast out, flying through areas of space, claw machines, bedrooms, candy lands, and other areas of increasing oddness.  There also seems to be a odd obsession with Moi, Octopus, and scantily clad girls as bosses.

She jiggles when you shoot her.  I love video games.  So much.

Seriously, Google "weirdest video game bosses", Parodius will be in the top ten nearly every time, if not #1.  I can imagine some Japanese developer sitting down with a design team:
"Alright, what do you have?"
"Well, we've been working on designs for a new shooter, with a in-depth weapon and upgrade system, and big, complex worlds."
"Excellent!  Now, change all the ships and bosses to animals or girls in skimpy clothes, change the worlds to bathhouses and neon carnivals, and make one of the bosses a pirate ship with...oh...say...a cat head."
"Yes sir!"

When in doubt, make it both cute AND dangerous!

Amid all the crazy, there's actually a very solid game at the core.  The weapons are cool, odd, and actually take some thinking to use to best effect.  the levels are detailed, well paced, and will constantly keep you on your toes.  The fact that you're gunning down Moi in makeup and giant showgirls just makes it so you can laugh when you get smoked for the twentieth time.  What's more, every "ship" plays very different, allowing for a ton of replay.

No amount of screenshots will tell you how odd/awesome this game is.

If you can find this game, play it, be it on SNES, arcade, or any place else you can track it down.  It's well worth the effort, and how often do you get to say you fought off a giant pair of lips with a girl riding a SCUD missile?

I'll admit it, I'm in it for the bunny girls.

Metal Slug - The answer to violence is always more violence.

This is the cool, collected character.

I first played this back on the old Neo-Geo arcade machines.  They had 3-4 games on them.  I have no idea what they are, because I never played them.  In passing, I caught sight of a Rambo caricature blasting quasi-Nazis with a flame thrower before leaping in to a stub-nosed tank with more guns then armor and blowing away giant mutant crabs.  Sixty tokens later, I had a new love.

I AM THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS

Metal Slug is an amazing work of old-school shoot-em-ups.  The storyline, while neat, isn't really needed.  Basically, you're the last line of hope, have a ton of guns, a sweet prototype tank, and a ocean of enemy troops to carve through.  It's also a somewhat hard game, as one hit is screaming, bloody death.  And you will die.  A lot.  However, that's almost part of the fun...

This...might not go well...

One of the things I love the very most about this game is the detail.  There's a hand-drawn love here that is all but dead in modern games.  backgrounds are deep, detailed and organic, bosses crack, peel, and shatter in stages, ending in showers of slime or broken, twisted metal.  Enemy troops, while somewhat monotonous, have real personalities.  Oh, and the bosses.  Oh momma the bosses.  They're huge, strong, unfair, and savage as hell.

This is the least complicated/huge boss you'll see.

No, it's not a very deep game, and it will probably have you punching the controller now and then, but it's a amazing series, each installment has something fresh to it, and after you get the hang of things you'll feel rather hardcore...right until an alien shoots you.  Also, this is NOT a game that takes itself seriously.  At all.  One level will have waves of combat mechs...the next, squid aliens and abducting pigs.

Awww CRAP.

Both the Wii and PS2 have big multi-game collections spanning most of the series that are amazingly faithful to the originals.  Grab up one, and channel your work and life related rage constructively.

Take THAT, old person who pays with a check!

A unjoyful lull - Happyguy...has run out of happy.

Stripped a gear in there somewhere....

Sorry about the somewhat...sporadic updates lately.  Have had to do some adjusting, my wife has started school, kids heading back to school as well, getting ready for a new job...it's just been a tad...stressful.  That being said, I really want to get back to (hopefully) posting a game a day...or, failing that, every other day.

Granted, I'm pretty sure this is being read by about...four people, half of them my family, but I still feel a sense of obligation.  With that, I also have a question for my fan(s).

Would you like to see some console games as well?  Commercial games?  General posts about my life?  Actually start posting up some books and movies as well?  I think a little direction could go a long way, and I feel just a smidgen lost.  I like the freeware/indie game stuff mainly because I feel like reviewing a game you can't play is a tease.

Anyway, comment, say hi, weigh in...I'll try and get re-wound asap.

Spelunky - I swear, one more time, then that's it...

Get used to these words.

Some games are fun due to their complexity, some because they are so very simple.  However, there are a few that draw you in for entirely different reasons.  Games like Mario: Lost Levels, or Contra.  They are hard.  Insanely hard.  Yet you keep playing.  It's because every single time, you think you can do just a little better, get a little farther.  Like if you just make that one jump, or avoid that one attack, or MANAGE TO STAY ALIVE FOR TWO SECONDS AND SKJCKJSCN JLNDLC

...Sorry.

At one point, I just started dropping bombs on everyone because I hated the world and everything in it.

My random frothing rage aside, this is actually a VERY fun game.  A platformer in the old-school nintendo-hard tradition, the graphics are simple, but still engaging.  You play a Dr. Jones-like explorer, collecting loot, rescuing girls, and generally trying to get rich and no die screaming.  What's more, every level is randomly generated, with a few persistent special areas, so you're guaranteed a fresh experience every time.

This being said, understand that this is a UNFORGIVING game.  You can only get hit a few times before you lose a life.  The thing is, you only have one life.  Ever.  No 1ups, no invincibility.  One.  Life.  Only.  This is where the addiction comes in.  You'll go along, be doing somewhat well, then get smoked.  But you're sure, SURE you can do a little better now.  So you play again.  And again.  And again...

He suspected a trap of some kind, but hey...c'mon, golden skull.

There are a LOT of secret goodies, too.  Special items, bombs, guns, jetpacks, all kinds of things to help you try and dive deep in to the caves.  Plus, there's a very active and loyal fan base that churn out some of the neatest custom levels you've ever seen.  Plus, with the often short play time, it's great for sneaking in during a lunch break, or during waiting room limbo.  What's more, after dieing several thousand times, the feeling of accomplishment you get is difficult to digest.

I AM SO SMART!  I AM SO SMART!  S-M-R-T!  ...I MEAN S-M-A-R-T!

Jump to the official site and grab up a copy.  What's more, it's coming soon for the XBox arcade, for the console types.  Fire it up, and go back to a simpler time, when games were not, in any way, fair.

Was it necessary to throw me after I was impaled on the spines?

Noitu Love - Because twitchy beat-em-ups will always be cool. Always.

If this doesn't get you charged to beat up robots, I can't help you.

This is another game i knew by vague reputation well before I ever played it.  That being said, I really knew nothing about it.  It was mostly just a lot of people saying how neat or crummy it was, without actually talking about it at all.  I eventually got a copy of it, not really expecting much.  What I got was a old-school beat-em-up with a pace so fast you'll sit and drill through it in one sitting.

I have no idea why, but this gets me so fired up...

The basic story is pure, old-school Nintendo.  You start in the HQ of a world protection agency, which quickly comes under attack by the evil Professor Darnacus Damnation.  His horde of robots assaults the world, and it's up to you to stop them by beating the living hell out of them.  Sound like Mega Man?  It is, a bit, but it's also very much a game all its own.

Firstly, the games has a very, very quick pace.  Enemies come fast and thick, and even though they shatter with some ease once you get the hang of things, the reinforcements are always coming.  In addition, there are enough Nintendo-hard puzzles and secrets to keep you playing and bashing your keyboard after you failed that jump FOR THE SIXTH TIME AJAVHSVXHJAVXJ

..sorry.

Those damn vials...why can't I just skip them...why...

Plus, the graphics feel like old-school gameboy.  This might be a bad thing, but they are so smooth and well done, it takes you on a slide right back to the olden days, even if you didn't play back in the in the olden days.  The bosses are big, strange (the musical one had me giggling the whole time), and well drawn, every level has a distinct personality, and the fighting never seems to get repetitive, somehow.

Head over here and grab up a copy, and get out there to save humanity from insane grinning robots!  If that doesn't get you revved up to play, you need more help then i can give.

Let's DO THIS THING