Alice: Madness Returns - The Brothers Grimm are running an asylum...

If you love the Alice in Wonderland disney movie, for god's sake stop reading now.

First of all, I'm doing this a bit out of sequence.  Madness Returns is actually a sequel to the old PC game Alice.  However, you don't really need to play one to know the other, so I don't think it'll be too great a issue.  That being said, Madness Returns is a shocking leap forward from the old Alice game, and walks the line between hideously creepy and keeping faithful to the actual book perfectly.

The story is a continuation from the first game, but once again, they recap things quickly in one of the most "what the HELL am i watching?!" opening cinematic that I've ever seen.  Alice's family is gone.  There was a fire that killed everyone but her, and even left her badly burned.  She spent ten years in an asylum, weaving between extreme rage and near-comatose lethargy, in the grips of a suicidal depression.  Wonderland has suffered as well, the lands and people growing...twisted.

That's the cheshire cat.

Madness Returns picks up after Alice has left the asylum.  She's staying at a youth home/orphanage/mental care facility headed by Dr. Bumby.  Her mind is still tattered and torn, and what's worse, something much more dangerous then the Red Queen has taken root in the broken relms of Wonderland.  She fights her way through doll-faced Ruins, gigantic bosses, and her own twisted memories to try and find the truth.  What happened that night of the fire?  Do her "caretakers" know more then they're letting on?  Did she set it herself?

In line with the story, the major "face cards" of the Wonderland mythos are all here, in creepy, twisted glory.  The Mad Hatter is back in fine form, along with his eternal cohorts March Hare and Doormouse.  I especially liked the Walrus and The Carpenter in this incarnation, the Carpenter spouting off pseudo-intellectual nonsense fits perfectly.  The Duchess, Red Queen, card guards, they're all here...just...perhaps not as you remember them.

Well...I mean, you killed most of them in the first game...what did you expect them to look like now?

The gameplay itself is glorious, if frustrating at times.  Your weapons are neat, ranging from the "Vorpal Sword" re-incarnated as a massive kitchen knife, a machine-gun pepper grinder, bone-shattering hobby horse, and a teapot that fires like a mortar filled with napalm.  Fights are typically bloody, short affairs at first, slashing through shambling hordes with your knife.  However, you'll start bumping in to foes needing more skill, which can be annoying at times, but add to the challange.

Some of the jumping puzzles can be hard, especially near the end, but it's noting that can't be surmounted with a bit of trial and error, and swearing.  Finding the scattered shards of Alice's memory can be a little trying as well, but it's always a bit rewarding to see what new funny, odd, or chilling memory bobs to the surface.  One of the fun bits is, when she gets to very low health, Alice can enter "hystera" mode, and...well, you'll see.

She seems...a little pissed.

This game is pure eye candy as well.  The worlds, both the real one and Wonderland, have a odd, unreal quality that fits the book amazingly well.  Alice's London isn't the cheery land of Mary Poppins, but the dirty back-alleys of Jack the Ripper.  Wonderland ranges from flowing rivers and toy-speckled gardens, to blasted wastelands, oily seas, and literally rotting castles.  Enemies squeal, gurgle and groan in ways most unsettling, and the music is haunting and often times creepy.  Especially the dollhouse...*burrrr*

Think it looks creepy?  You should hear it giggle when it stabs you.

Even better, this game also allows you to download the original Alice for relatively cheap, allowing you to wade through both nightmares at once.  Being that I generally like console games, having the option to play the original with a actual controller is great.  Also, you can collect additional outfits and other goodies for even more eye-candy goodness.  Overall, I'd highly advise you play this game...

...err...just maybe not when people are around...

"Hey son, I was wondeWHAT THE HELL IS THAT"

Earthbound - Who says a RPG has to be serious? Or sane?

Uhh...I don't know...did I?

Games seems to break in to two major camps.  One says "THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS" and attempts to provide a truly realistic and all-encompassing experience, With sweeping story lines and pulse-pounding action.  On the other side, you have games that are silly, odd, or just generally "lighter weight" then the first camp, and present weird stories, or sometimes no story at all.  They tend to dive straight to the action and sillyness, and leave the heavy stuff to others.

Earthbound takes both camps and makes them wear silly hats.

Whenever I try and explain Earthbound to people, I tell them this: "Ok, let's say like, tomorrow, you decide you're going to be in a RPG.  You use stuff like bats and toy guns, fight enemies like mice, ants and annoying people, walk around bothering townspeople, all that.  That's Earthbound.  Oh, and there's some magical psychic stuff, and a time traveling bee."

No, seriously, a time-traveling bee comes out of here.  He's also a super-hero.

Earthbound is also known as Mother 2, one of many victims of the re-naming craze that seemed to hit SNES games hard when the crossed the ocean from japan.  Whatever you call it, it is a amazing game, and has one of the most loyal, wide-spread and rabid cult followings I've ever seen.  It starts on a dark night, when a meteorite falls near your home.  You and some local kids go to investigate, and...well, you'll have to see for yourself.

Earthbound could very, VERY easily be a stupid, overly silly parody game, but it's not at all.  It pokes fun at everything, from video games, RPGs, pop culture, human nature, just about everything, but does so in a way that's never heavy-handed.  It's one of the few games I've found myself giggling while playing from some of the dialog alone.

The fact that you have to say that doesn't instill me with a lot of confidence.

Underneath the gags and oddball battles, there's a really good RPG framework.  Beware, it's hard starting out, and until you get the hang of things, you'll probably be running home to heal after every two or three fights, but once you get a little stronger, the pace picks up.  It's also shockingly unforgiving for such a bright and silly game, so be sure to save often.

The vague realism is, I think, one of the neatest bits.  You're armed with stuff like pins, bracelets, bats, yo-yos and frying pans, because YOU ARE KIDS.  Unlike most RPG games, shopkeepers are leery about selling tools of death to over-excited pre-teens.  You don't get gold after fights...your dad wires you money, which you pick up from a ATM.  It's not a lot, but just enough to keep you engaged...and make you look at that baseball bat in the garage with an appraising eye.

Yes, I'm probably going to get arrested.  However, it's worth it to hear the guys on the news try and explain the screaming guy who got arrested on the street whacking hipsters with a yo-yo.

Really, i can't recommend this game enough to you, even if you don't really like RPG games.  It's fun, challenging, weird, and just a joy to play overall.  It's back when you didn't need eighty-six class categories and a full crafting system to make a good RPG, just a cool story and some art guys you could lock in a room.

See the amazing number-named towns!

Hear the seziure-inducing sound effects!

Feel the rage as you die for the tenth time in a fight with sentient barf!

He still haunts my dreams.

Old-School Awards: Because games aren't addictive enough...

My new goal in life is to own this.

So, it seems the new craze with games is "Achievements".  For those who don't know, these are extra, optional goals that don't really have any effect on gameplay, but act as a trophy or medal, for managing some in-game action.  Some are just general, and somewhat "common", like hitting so many game hours, or beating a boss, but others...oooh boy.  Some are absolute NIGHTMARES to try and snag.

Now, initially I was very against these...it just seems slightly pointless.  However, like all optional objectives and collectibles, I was soon obsessed.  Some really stink, but some are very neat, looking like real medals or little icons from the game.  If I ran the zoo, I'd have some kind of 3D trophy room, somewhat like the figurine system in Super Smash Brothers, but that's neither here nor there...

Why am I going on about this?  Well...I felt that the new generation of games shouldn't be having all the fun.

These took longer to make then I care to admit...

I whipped up a few little awards for some classic games.  I'll admit, I don't have many of them, but it's very fun to try.  So, what else now?  Comment with some suggestions, or even just games you'd like some for, and I'll post what I generate as time goes on.  Now, I just have to get a button making kit...

Parodius - what the HELL am I playing?

What the...what?

This is not one game, but rather a whole series.  Luckily, they are all batshit insane, so I can handle them as one big confusing mass.  Another game that I new by vague reputation well before ever playing this.  I love scrolling shooters, and this game was reputed to be very "unique."

That's like saying The Hulk gets a little "cranky" at times.

What the hell, Japan.  What.  The.  Hell.

I'm sure there's a storyline, I don't know it.  In fact, it's almost more fun not knowing.  Choosing from a selection of ships (most of which are not actual aircraft...or sane) you blast out, flying through areas of space, claw machines, bedrooms, candy lands, and other areas of increasing oddness.  There also seems to be a odd obsession with Moi, Octopus, and scantily clad girls as bosses.

She jiggles when you shoot her.  I love video games.  So much.

Seriously, Google "weirdest video game bosses", Parodius will be in the top ten nearly every time, if not #1.  I can imagine some Japanese developer sitting down with a design team:
"Alright, what do you have?"
"Well, we've been working on designs for a new shooter, with a in-depth weapon and upgrade system, and big, complex worlds."
"Excellent!  Now, change all the ships and bosses to animals or girls in skimpy clothes, change the worlds to bathhouses and neon carnivals, and make one of the bosses a pirate ship with...oh...say...a cat head."
"Yes sir!"

When in doubt, make it both cute AND dangerous!

Amid all the crazy, there's actually a very solid game at the core.  The weapons are cool, odd, and actually take some thinking to use to best effect.  the levels are detailed, well paced, and will constantly keep you on your toes.  The fact that you're gunning down Moi in makeup and giant showgirls just makes it so you can laugh when you get smoked for the twentieth time.  What's more, every "ship" plays very different, allowing for a ton of replay.

No amount of screenshots will tell you how odd/awesome this game is.

If you can find this game, play it, be it on SNES, arcade, or any place else you can track it down.  It's well worth the effort, and how often do you get to say you fought off a giant pair of lips with a girl riding a SCUD missile?

I'll admit it, I'm in it for the bunny girls.

Metal Slug - The answer to violence is always more violence.

This is the cool, collected character.

I first played this back on the old Neo-Geo arcade machines.  They had 3-4 games on them.  I have no idea what they are, because I never played them.  In passing, I caught sight of a Rambo caricature blasting quasi-Nazis with a flame thrower before leaping in to a stub-nosed tank with more guns then armor and blowing away giant mutant crabs.  Sixty tokens later, I had a new love.

I AM THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS

Metal Slug is an amazing work of old-school shoot-em-ups.  The storyline, while neat, isn't really needed.  Basically, you're the last line of hope, have a ton of guns, a sweet prototype tank, and a ocean of enemy troops to carve through.  It's also a somewhat hard game, as one hit is screaming, bloody death.  And you will die.  A lot.  However, that's almost part of the fun...

This...might not go well...

One of the things I love the very most about this game is the detail.  There's a hand-drawn love here that is all but dead in modern games.  backgrounds are deep, detailed and organic, bosses crack, peel, and shatter in stages, ending in showers of slime or broken, twisted metal.  Enemy troops, while somewhat monotonous, have real personalities.  Oh, and the bosses.  Oh momma the bosses.  They're huge, strong, unfair, and savage as hell.

This is the least complicated/huge boss you'll see.

No, it's not a very deep game, and it will probably have you punching the controller now and then, but it's a amazing series, each installment has something fresh to it, and after you get the hang of things you'll feel rather hardcore...right until an alien shoots you.  Also, this is NOT a game that takes itself seriously.  At all.  One level will have waves of combat mechs...the next, squid aliens and abducting pigs.

Awww CRAP.

Both the Wii and PS2 have big multi-game collections spanning most of the series that are amazingly faithful to the originals.  Grab up one, and channel your work and life related rage constructively.

Take THAT, old person who pays with a check!

A unjoyful lull - Happyguy...has run out of happy.

Stripped a gear in there somewhere....

Sorry about the somewhat...sporadic updates lately.  Have had to do some adjusting, my wife has started school, kids heading back to school as well, getting ready for a new job...it's just been a tad...stressful.  That being said, I really want to get back to (hopefully) posting a game a day...or, failing that, every other day.

Granted, I'm pretty sure this is being read by about...four people, half of them my family, but I still feel a sense of obligation.  With that, I also have a question for my fan(s).

Would you like to see some console games as well?  Commercial games?  General posts about my life?  Actually start posting up some books and movies as well?  I think a little direction could go a long way, and I feel just a smidgen lost.  I like the freeware/indie game stuff mainly because I feel like reviewing a game you can't play is a tease.

Anyway, comment, say hi, weigh in...I'll try and get re-wound asap.

Spelunky - I swear, one more time, then that's it...

Get used to these words.

Some games are fun due to their complexity, some because they are so very simple.  However, there are a few that draw you in for entirely different reasons.  Games like Mario: Lost Levels, or Contra.  They are hard.  Insanely hard.  Yet you keep playing.  It's because every single time, you think you can do just a little better, get a little farther.  Like if you just make that one jump, or avoid that one attack, or MANAGE TO STAY ALIVE FOR TWO SECONDS AND SKJCKJSCN JLNDLC

...Sorry.

At one point, I just started dropping bombs on everyone because I hated the world and everything in it.

My random frothing rage aside, this is actually a VERY fun game.  A platformer in the old-school nintendo-hard tradition, the graphics are simple, but still engaging.  You play a Dr. Jones-like explorer, collecting loot, rescuing girls, and generally trying to get rich and no die screaming.  What's more, every level is randomly generated, with a few persistent special areas, so you're guaranteed a fresh experience every time.

This being said, understand that this is a UNFORGIVING game.  You can only get hit a few times before you lose a life.  The thing is, you only have one life.  Ever.  No 1ups, no invincibility.  One.  Life.  Only.  This is where the addiction comes in.  You'll go along, be doing somewhat well, then get smoked.  But you're sure, SURE you can do a little better now.  So you play again.  And again.  And again...

He suspected a trap of some kind, but hey...c'mon, golden skull.

There are a LOT of secret goodies, too.  Special items, bombs, guns, jetpacks, all kinds of things to help you try and dive deep in to the caves.  Plus, there's a very active and loyal fan base that churn out some of the neatest custom levels you've ever seen.  Plus, with the often short play time, it's great for sneaking in during a lunch break, or during waiting room limbo.  What's more, after dieing several thousand times, the feeling of accomplishment you get is difficult to digest.

I AM SO SMART!  I AM SO SMART!  S-M-R-T!  ...I MEAN S-M-A-R-T!

Jump to the official site and grab up a copy.  What's more, it's coming soon for the XBox arcade, for the console types.  Fire it up, and go back to a simpler time, when games were not, in any way, fair.

Was it necessary to throw me after I was impaled on the spines?